Greetings from Prague

This blog post goes forward, backward, this way and that in some randomised time machine to give me some context for my today! Warning ⚠️ it's a long one but hopefully you see my point. No pictures, as I'm penning from my I-pad and it's throwing a strop all of its own accord, so I'm choosing my battles!! The thrust of today’s blog is that concept of ‘self sabotage’... a term I don’t like to use, but most people understand what I mean- that want to do something, but you 'spoil' it for yourself for no apparent reason.

So I’m on holiday at the mo- Arrived in Prague. 3 weeks from now, I have a work convention to go to. It’s an extended weekend of informative talks, award ceremonies and partying hard. In the spirit of the latter, I seriously need to get my 💩 together because I need to fit into a dress that I bought months ago. I tried it on just the other week, and let’s just say it was a squash and a squeeze and it sent me into a bit of a panic, I have to say.

Rewind back a bit to last week which was Diwali. Now as well as being a festive occasion on a spiritual level, like all good festivities, it does come with obligatory good food as well as good lighting! So up in Leicester, there I was at my parents' house and the panic was real in my mind, the fear of, 'Maybe I’m putting on weight....maybe it’s true what they say about once big, always big...’ that voice was shouting quite loudly in my mind... the unhelpful, doubting internal dialogue...

Nevertheless I proceeded to ‘enjoy’ my weekend, partaking in lots of good food, bending my food rules left, right and centre in the guise of ‘enjoyment’ and ‘relaxation’, because after all ‘it’s what I deserve’, I told myself! I used to tell myself that, the whole time when eating some sort of ‘feast’ when I was big...something along the lines of...

Dear God, I deserve to eat this because:

1. I have had the 3 children the whole day.
2. Rewind, I gave birth to all 3 of them!
3. I cooked dinner for them without burning it.
4. Rewind, I cooked dinner!
5. They didn’t argue.
6. Rewind, they did, but I managed to calm the situation down (neglect the fact I had been shouty about it)
7. I’ve had a hard day.
8. I’m Breathing.
9. I’m here.
10. I can live to eat for another day and enjoy this because I won’t be eating for all of a few hours, I may not live to see my next meal! 

Well it goes on and on... but the list is one excuse after another excuse so I could justify the food I was about to eat. Amen!🙏🏽 

So like I said, I found myself in that old cycle! Hands up- totally numbing the panic over my dress with ironically ‘more food’ which as I know just exacerbates the issue in my mind and on a practical level is, excuse the Germanic flavoured pun, 'gross'ly unhelpful!

So some reflection- What could I do to resolve the situation?! 

1. Eat myself out of the hole I was sinking into? 
2. Carry on denying the situation and ‘pretend’ all is ok and let the creep set in, take hold , pull the shutters down and lose all I have worked hard towards in one year?
3. Resolve to buy another dress that is bigger. 
4. Look at what unhelpful habits have started to creep in without me even noticing.
5. Assess the habits, rein in my excesses big time to see a positive effect so that said dress fits like a dream? 

I turfed out choice 1 and 2. In that way I have made serious change in my life where I know it isn’t a solution... Choice 3 is capitulating and accepting that things cannot be changed- well I don’t subscribe to that philosophy anymore in life either, so I went with 4 and 5.

I made a list of unhelpful things that have crept in:

1. Chai tea latte- any excuse to have one of these and I’m there. I sell it to my mind that I’m having a soya one so ‘it’s not so bad’.
2. Indian sweets-one offs at this time of year. I sell it to my mind, ‘go on- it is only once’....regardless of how many I shove in my mouth!
3. Nuts, in the guise of health. Walnuts have a proven positive chemical effect on anxiety and depression. My mind gives the green light and says 'Go Go Go' and I end up devouring a whole lot without looking back- ‘harmless’😳
4. Cheese. ‘Cheese goes great with nuts- combined is a great source of protein for us veggies’
5. Medjool dates - king of dates. ‘ I can eat these because the sugar is 'natural'. The beautiful, slim, clean living Ella loves them almost as much as I do and look, she looks and feels great! What's good for the goose is good for the gander, even if the this goose is heading for frois gras status!

Add all these together and factually what I have been consuming is proper calorific in the fancy dress of ‘good health’! -TELEPHONE CALL- that’s my wake up call, right there! A wet kipper slapping me in the face- Thankfully I am awake to my momentary flirt with denial! 

I have now scrubbed these off my ‘must eat’ list and now controlling my calories to make sure that the dress fits! It’s not superficial- it’s more about how I will feel having the ‘choice’ to wear that dress. If the dress doesn’t fit- I don’t get to choose... if it fits I get to choose whether to wear it or not. That is what I call ‘favourable/wholesome choice’ which is nourishing.

Anyway, fast forward to now, in Prague enjoying a family break. Walking around, seeing foody delights on offer every corner I turn. A voice pops in the head, same one that questions if I will just get big again... I’ll call this voice ‘my friendly she-dog’! Because she is a bitter sweet kind of inner familial member- she is the bit I would love to hate, but I can’t because she is so integrally part of me and I know she always has my best intention at heart. That said, as the minutes unravel, she starts bossing me over a bit, in this head of mine; ' It's not fair, denying yourself all this food and the ‘nicer’ coffees and teas and the chance for a bit of cake with the children and a nice meal with your husband...goodness sake woman you’re on holiday- who doesn’t indulge on holiday?!?- let your hair down for pities sake’... On and on like this she charged on, speaking loudly, railroading my want and underlying desire to stick to my good intentions. She was rattling me...On one level I understand that the whole point of my ‘friendly she-dog’ is actually to help me feel better because she sensed that in that moment, the ‘want’ to eat something ‘indulgent’ was so strong. Friendly she-dog is just like a good host of sorts, she is just offering me a choice, a chance to walk through an ‘off the hook’ exit door decorated with an attractive bright flashing pink neon sign above it,so that I don't have to have a debate. She wants to help me, but she’s thwarting my overall aim- she just doesn’t get it. Then I remembered something my dad mentioned this week. 

I love my dad for his ‘pearls of wisdom’, as I used to joke about them growing up...but now in older years, I regularly reflect on those moments which these days, seem to guide me. Dad meditates daily and he happened to mention in a conversation earlier this week that when an interfering thought comes in, he just says ‘Not now’. So in my moment of utter distraction and irritation at feeling this inwardly crushing harassment from within, I spoke the very same words to my friendly she-dog...and no word of a lie- ‘she’ quietened. 

If any of you have kids and have seen the film ‘Home’- it was literally like I had waved the almighty ‘Shusher’ at the voice within!

In that moment it became abundantly clear that just by challenging that disruption ever so slightly towards seeking a compromise, I had got momentary resolution to inner conflict. Note that I didn’t tell her ‘no’ or ‘never’... I just said ‘not now’...🤔 in that moment, I didn’t exercise a disruptive or punishing form of ‘choice’ which meant I threw away my main aims and instead ‘choose’ the act of eating/drinking or whatever I desired on impulse. That is the ‘punishing’ form of ‘choice’. That would have been detrimental to my main aims... 

Instead, in that moment, I picked ‘favourable /nourishing’ choice over the ‘punishing’ one. I want to get to choose whether to wear that dress or not. As one of my diligent clients says to me lots of her own experiences- this is a ‘WIN’.

Maybe I need to practice this over and over so that my friendly she-dog’ knows the drill even before piping up. Isn’t this what we must do to create a newer ‘habit’ - give consistent effort and commitment to the same behaviour to see effective results? I would say this is the skill you need for someone like me to maintain weightloss. I would say for anybody to retain command over any goal they have worked hard towards- be it business, personal goals of any kind, consistency in effort and that continued applied heightened awareness about the day to day and its effect is what is required.It can be exhausting, there are times you question your stamina, but in the end so long as you keep questioning and have flashbulb moments of evaluation you can stay in check. 

Maybe next time you are confronted with an unhelpful thought, whether it takes the form of a fear or a doubt- try gently whispering to yourself ‘not now’...observe what happens. My motto: Say 'Not now' in November...

The Mind Traveller x